Bubala, Mumi & Max

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

If Love Isn't Forever, Then Hand Me My Leather


Well, actually, I never got too much into the leather scene. It’s not that I’m real vanilla, or that my looks and body wouldn’t work out on display, or that I don’t feel manly enough. We all know that isn’t much of a qualification anymore.

All you really need is:

  1. Some money. The leather stuff doesn’t grow on trees, and if you want it tailored to fit you, it costs.
  2. It helps to be somewhat in shape. A few trips to the gym, and you’ll be fine.
  3. A little facial fuzz can help, but it’s not required.
  4. Read the leatherman’s handbook on the do’s and don’ts, so you don’t make a complete asshole out of yourself or get yourself into something that is way over your head.
  5. A motorcycle is sure to get you laid, but just as many of the others will come in their cars.
  6. It helps to have the right attitude. (Not the Bette Davis kind.)
  7. I’ll pat you on the back, and say, "Go get ‘em tiger!" as you walk out the door.

I guess it’s more a matter of comfort for me. I’m more of a sweats and a t-shirt kind of guy, real laid back. I hate dressing up at all for anything. I also feel like I look like a dork in leather (see below), and I think a lot of other people also look kind of dorky all decked out. Not all of them, but some of them. Let’s face it though, it’s kind of like high school within our community where you have to wear the right kind of clothes to be able to fit in with the cool crowd, and I’m too much of a nonconformist to try to live up to that bullshit. Also, when everyone dresses the same, there are no individuals left. If you’re a biker, however, it’s almost necessary that you wear leather. It’s like a second skin of protection against the elements. Too bad when gay men wear it, it never seems to protect us wear we need it the most.

Oh God, Could It Be The Weather?

I always see those few guys every gay pride day when it’s like 80 or 90 degrees outside and they are all decked out in a full leather uniform. Is this a cruel initiation ritual? A dietary technique? Are they really that dumb or really that vain? I just want to give them a pair of sweat shorts and say “Dude go change, then grab some sun rays on your underexposed white body.” To me, the gay leather scene always comes across as a little too glamorous. I like those blue collar guys, the low maintenance ones that don’t need or can’t afford all the costumes to feel comfortable and are not trying to draw attention to themselves.

You Can Take A Lot Of Abuse If You Exchange Your Skin For Leather

Another reason I think I didn’t get into the whole leather thing is because soon after I came out, I got involved with a gay youth group at the gay community center in Washington, DC. There was this guy there named Mike who was about 19 and I was 16. He was cute enough, but no facial fuzz, so I never went after him. He was looking for a daddy anyway. So, we just hung out in the group and went to some shows together. Then, as we all got a little older, he started hanging out at leather bars more and more with a much older crowd and stopped coming to the youth group. We would run into him occasionally. One time, we saw him, and he was like "Man I got into this real intense scene last night" and he lifted up his shirt to show us where some guy he had picked up had whipped his back and there were all these welt marks there. I saw him out and about a few times after that. He just started to look more and more haggard as his leather attire became more complete and he collected a string of sadistic fucks. Mike was also one of the first from the youth group members to get HIV. He hung out around DC for awhile, then he split for Oregon and passed in 89 or 90.

Note to self: Don’t be this guy.

Look, I'm Standing Naked Before You

So, I was seeing this guy Lonnie (pre Jason) who turned into more of a stoner, JO bud than a boyfriend. He introduced me to this fuck buddy of his named Ford. Now, Ford was really networked into the FFA scene. He knew it wasn’t my thing, but Ford and I hit it off as friends. We’d get stoned and talk about art and Dali and I’d turn him on to music he’d never heard before. I made him a Rollins Band mix tape and told him to play it during his next FF session. He did and said it worked, but he was to preoccupied to flip the tape over. One night, Ford and Lonnie and I were hanging out getting high and they were like, "Hey, let’s dress Steve up in leather." I’m like. "Yeah, whatever." Next thing I know, I have chaps on over my jeans, boots, a vest and cap and Ford’s taking pictures and saying, "Steve, pull out your dick" and I‘m feeling like I’m trying out to be a Village People replacement. Really, I guess I was feeling more like that kid from the Christmas Story movie, the one in the bunny suit. What a dork, can I take it off now? Then, Ford stuffs a red hankie in my pocket and says now we can all go out and look for some fist fucking action.

Note to Ford: I don’t think so!
(Lonnie and Ford - R.I.P.)


So, let’s take a look at some of the leather icons who have inspired the leather folk throughout the years:

Rebel Without An AshtrayJames Dean - "The Rebel Without A Cause" He blew his mind (and body) out in a car. He didn’t notice that he had become an ashtray. Literally, man, the guy liked it when you put cigarettes out on him. (Ouch!)

Violet! You're turning Violet!Marlon Brando - "The Wild One" (Or, the fat one!) I heard that they revoked his leather license years before the Oompa Loompas rolled him up to the dejuicing room. Sorry it didn’t work out.

Aaayyyyy!The Fonz - "AAAAAAAYYYYY! Sit On It" Who can hate this guy? He gave his leather jacket to the Smithsonian. You can go and see it there.

Y, M, C, Gay!Glenn Hughes - Do you think you’d ever run into him in a YMCA? Have you ever been to a YMCA? There are kids running around taking karate lessons and swimming. Not a real ideal place to have a leatherman fuckfest. Besides, he died of cancer in 1991at age 51.

I knew he was, didn't you?Rob Halford - "Hell Bent For Leather"
This guy is more my speed. I don’t know why the gay leather community hasn’t started worshipping this guy as a god. (Not that I do or would.) It’s probably because a lot of his fans called guys like him faggots and kicked their asses in high school. But, hey, the jokes on them now that Rob is out. If Judas Priest ever played MAL, I would go in a second. A sweaty, gay, leather, metal mosh pit would separate the men from the boys. (I‘m in on this one.)

Classic, good porn funTom Of Finland - Here’s the really guilty guy. Yeah, his pictures have been inspiring guys to become one of "Tom’s Men" for years. His drawings always over-exaggerate and create a fantasy world in which gay men are always happy and having fun even if they don‘t always look like it. And, if you don’t get a boner looking at his work, just rub it a few times to get it started. His career spanned over 40 years and shows the whole evolution of a gay subculture. He died in 1991 at age 71. His legacy will live on as long as guys keep putting on the leather and getting frisky with each other.

Go get em’ tiger!

Okay, Who'd I forget?


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8:41 AM  

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