Roller Coaster Retaliation (Part One)

By this time, I am sure that some of you who read our blog regularly are probably saying to yourselves, poor Mumi! He gets dragged along on all these amusement park excursions and has to suffer through...

1. Countless hours sitting in a car on the road.


2. Long lines of scarytrashystinkysweaty Americans and their equally as frightening demon offspring who complain endlessly and have no conception that other people exist around them.


3. The awful food (bad quality and bad for you) that is outrageously expensive that I am forced to ingest just to have something to ground me as I am flung helplessly along at dizzying speeds over endless miles of roller coaster track.


4. Steel coasters that drop me down hundreds of feet and the twist around in all kinds of loops and corkscrews until my brain starts to lose consciousness.


5. Wooden coasters that shake my body in such a rigorous fury that I feel like I will be split into pieces or at least end up with a few broken bones.


6. The Latin guys that purposely and aggressively check me out while I urinate in the restroom facilities.


7. The skeezy college girls that cruise me while I wait in line. This might be more of a trade-off though since I am usually checking out their sexy white trash boyfriends while they adjust and readjust their genitalia as their pants fall down below their thighs exposing their boxer shorts and then they have to hike them back up again every time the line moves.


8. The women in central Pennsylvania with HUGE pot bellies wearing half shirts and bikinis. It felt like my eyes were being burned out.

I must say, however, that except for our recent trip to Walley World during their apparent off season, it has been an aggressive, but not nearly as scary summer as some of our past excursions have been.


Like the time Bubala took me to a tiny little park called Williams Grove in Deliverance, Pennsylvania to ride this one rickety old roller coaster in a park seemingly run by the Stepford community. When I saw this thing, I wasn't too hip to the idea of riding a coaster made out of old popsicle sticks and held together by chewing gum. Before we could even ride the coaster, we had to go and find a park employee to operate it for us. (A bad sign!) We were the only ones on the ride (a worse sign) and it battered the shit out of us. It was another credit for the whore though. A few months later they closed the park down and it has yet to reopen.

Another time, we were at Lake Compounce in Bristol, Connecticut just about an hour outside of Hartford. The park was built between a beautiful lake and a mountain. They have actually built a coaster into the side of the mountain. The coaster was fine, but after a while we thought, hmmm lets relax for a little bit and take the sky ride up the side of the mountain. Thing is, we didn't realize until we got a little ways up the side of the mountain just how far up the mountain this ride was going to go. We couldn't even see half of the ride from the ground. We continued to climb higher and higher over 70 foot drops straight down with jagged rocks, boulders and trees below us. We were only being held up there by a tiny steel hook on a tiny steel cable. That hook held all of our lives in it's little, thin, steel hands.

So, after about a half hour of white-knuckling it up, up and up, we finally get to the top of the mountain and turn around to begin our descent. We get about 30 feet back down the other side of the mountain, and the whole ride just stops leaving us dangling there at a very high altitude. We were so high up, I could see Hartford from up where we were, really. And, that's where we stayed for the next 20 to 25 minutes. Up there, just swinging in the wind with me freaking out. I'm afraid of heights you see, so way up at the top of a mountain dangling 70 feet in the air over jagged rocks and trees was the last place I wanted to be stuck.

When the ride finally started up again and we finally got down off the mountain, we learned that the reason that we had been stuck up there is because of the big the blackout of 2003. The one that left most of the Northeast United States and parts of Canada in the dark. Well, it also left half of Lake Compounce without power, the half with the sky ride that we were on. We just happened to be stuck 4,000 feet up the side of a mountain when the power went out. Fortunately, the park had a back-up generator to get us down. So we survived the ordeal, but Bubala didn't get a credit since it wasn't a coaster.

Now, if you are thinking to yourselves, poor Mumi. How does he put up with this violent amusement park cruelty? If I were him, I would file for divorce. That would teach that mean old roller coaster freak, Bubala. Yeah, and take Max away from him too. Otherwise, the poor dog might be forced to endure the horrible amusement park abuse as well.

Please, don't feel too bad for me though. I have been in contact with the proper channels, and I assure you that a full-on, all-out retaliation is in the works. Sweet revenge will be mine. Oh yes, I will see to it that he suffers.

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ah Ha Ha Ah Ha ha Ha Ah Haaa Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!!!!!!