666 - The Day Of The Beast: A Survival Guide

Well, it's here. One of only a few days that the Bible never really warned you sufficiently about. Yes, this is one of the few days in history when the gates of Hell will be opened up just a crack. Enough so that some of Satan's demons can get out and run around on the Earth and eat some yummy Christian souls. Long timers, newly converted, whatever. If your personal savior is Jesus Christ, then you just may get your soul eaten by a little demonic creature today. You might be taking a nap, just a quick one after work, and an incubus could stick his long devil dick into your tight little Christian pucker hole and blow his demon seed all over your virgin soul, rendering it useless for the purpose of getting into Heaven.

You can try suicide in an attempt to escape this evil plague, but then again, suicidal souls aren't really getting into that exclusive country club in the sky either. Your best bet is to listen to me. Now, Christians aren't really my favorite kind of people in the world. Under the circumstances, however, I will rise above the situation and use my vast knowledge of demonic behavior to try and save some of you.

The idea is to try to fool the demons and make them believe that you are on their side. Just be like one of them for the day. When picking out your wardrobe for the day, remember that you should only wear black and red. Or, you could just walk around naked, grabbing your genitalia and grunting a lot. In your conversations today, stick to the basics, you know things like killing babies and gang raping Paris Hilton.

Required Listening For Today

(Always important to make the demons think that you are cool like them!)

1. Black Sabbath - Any of their first six albums.
   
2. Iron Maiden - Number Of The Beast
   
3. AC/DC - Highway To Hell or Back In Black
   
4. King Diamond - No Presents For Christmas EP (Oh' it just tugs at the heart strings!)
   
5. Aphrodite's Child - 666 (A personal Prog favorite of mine!)
   
6. Necromantic - Black Arts Lead To Everlasting Sins
   
7. Rotting Christ -Passage To Arcturo
   
8. Grotesque - In The Embrace Of Evil
   
9. Blasphemy - Fallen angel Of Doom
   
10. Pentagram - Picoroco

Of course, there are other ways to trick the demons, but I wouldn't even recommend these ideas to my worst enemies so you didn't hear them from me. You see, some things are so repulsive, that not even Satan's worst demons can stand them. Like I said though, I strongly do not recommend actually doing any of the following things, but they could very well save your Christian soul as it quakes in fear on this day. Here goes...

1. Invite all of your friends to join you in front of the TV all day as you have a marathon viewing of the collected works of Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.
   
2. Have a heated philosophical discussion about which doll is more relevant to the meaning of life, Mrs. Beasley from Family Affair or Kitty Carry-All from The Brady Bunch.
   
3. Dress all of your friends and yourself up like The Partridge Family. Then, go down to your local park and pretend to give a free concert using a ghetto blaster and fake instruments that you cut out of cardboard and painted yourself.
   
4. Metamorphosize your body and mind into Barney or Baby Bop.
   
5. Lock yourself in the Disney vault without any drugs.

Suggested Listening For Today

(If you listen to this stuff, then the demons will already think that you are in your own private hell and that there is obviously nothing more that they can do to make you any more miserable then you must already be.)

1. Barbra Streisand & Barry Gibb - Guilty
   
2. Whitney Houston - The Greatest Hits (And anything that she did that wasn't.)
   
3. Mariah Carey - Anything that has her picture on the cover.
   
4. Toni Braxton - Secrets
   
5. Janet Jackson - Thriller - Bad - Dangerous (Oops! I still get those two confused!)
   
6. Beyonce' - Dangerously In Love
   
7. Christina Aguilera - Anything
   
8. Destiney's Child -#1's
   
9. Britney Spears - Oops I Did It Again (dropped her baby that is!)
   
10. Fantasia - Free Yourself (This one only works for Durban Bud!)

As for me, I will be spending this demonic day all by my self, masturbating while looking at this picture:

I know, it's the scariest thing known to human kind, isnt it? And, while I am pulling my pud, I will also be listening to the worst song ever written and recorded in the whole entire universe, "What If God Was One Of Us" by Joan Osbourne. Ewww! Even just typing it makes me cringe. I wrote some new lyrics though.

What if God told us all to cuss?
What if God banged a slutty huss?
What if God's pimples popped with puss?

Good luck everyone! Watch out for four guys on horseback, and may Satan be with you.