I'm Not Really Gay. I'm An "Anti-Reproductionist."

That's right. You heard it here first. I am coming out as an "Anti-Reproductionist." Someone who refrains from engaging in the act of reproduction because, like other Anti-Reproductionists:

1. I think that it is a cruel and selfish thing to bring unsuspecting souls into this harshly evil environment and then force them to conform to a set of standards in order fulfill my own sick need for "having it all."
2. I think that reproductionists often tend to be careless and reproduce at an alarming rate. Often times exceeding what they can actually financially support or even take care of.
3. The idea of engaging in the act of reproduction makes me physically ill. I prefer to refrain from cohabitating in a reproductionary relationship.

As an adopted child, I have had a lot of time to think about this. (40 years!) I couldn't understand it at first because everyone tells you that all children are created out of love by their Mommy and Daddy, (and a little wave of the magic wand from God) when in fact humans are really just a bunch of filthy pig, sex whores who can't stop fucking each other no matter what the outcome. As a result, a lot of us aren't brought here by love, but by lust. Just dirty, fucking lust. Isn't that one of God's pet peeves? Oh, doesn't it just give you warm fuzzies to have origins like that? So, after accepting that I am really just the result of a reproductionist's careless fuck, (they could not have thought it through all that much if they put me up for adoption, could they?) I took a vow onto myself to never bring another soul into this horribly, mean, evil world. Even if I was thinking about the outcome.

Haven't I had a few careless fucks myself? NEVER IF IT GAVE LIFE OR TOOK IT AWAY! That's one of my pet peeves.

Being that this was my choice, I realized that I had to hide my Anti-reproductionality because I knew that I would just not be accepted for having these atypical, deeply rooted anti-reproductory feelings. I figured that the best way to avoid the whole "you should get a girlfriend" situation in High School was to tell everyone that I was gay. Mom, Dad, family, friends were all told. Then, I went out and found myself a really cute boyfriend and that lasted for four years. When that one was done, I went looking for another one and... well you know how it is. It's kind of like CD shopping. You bring home a lot of music, but there are only a few CDs that you could listen to everyday for the rest of your life. Apparently, Bubala is my favorite CD in the entire Universe. So, for the past 25 years now, I've been trying to pull it off. It hasn't been easy. Imagine having sex with a straight guy and that might describe what it's like with me. YAWN!

That's all over now, because I'm finally coming out as an Anti-Rreproductionist. I encourage everyone to tell those breeders to stop infringing on our space. The next time you encounter a parent with an unruly, out of control child, say to them, "Hey! Are you going to control your wretched, vile offspring, or do I have to?" Then, look at them strangely as if they just took a shit on the floor right next to you. Next time you see a pregnant woman, beat the hell out of her. Yank all of those fetuses right out and make a big pile of them in the park. Then, if you bring some matches, I'll bring some brandy and well make a big bonfire of them. We can roast marshmallows as we free all the poor souls from a life of eternal, conformist damnation living in this slime pit that we affectionately call Earth. (In February nonetheless!) We'll no longer have to live up to a sick sense of expectation fueled by an even sicker need to have it all just like everybody else.

Okay, okay. You might be saying to yourself that if everyone was like me and believed that reproduction was evil, then the human race would just die off because we wouldn't be preserving the species. To that I say take a good look at history then take a good look around you right now. It really is not such a bad idea after all. Is it?