God Thinks Led Zeppelin Is A Faggot

For a great portion of the world, however, we all think that Led Zeppelin is greater then God himself. So, that's probably why he feels that way. For almost 40 years now, that spiritual entity that is LZ has soothed the savage teenager and fueled their sexual energy with screams of ecstasy and pounding passion and uplifting, majestic chords stolen from God's golden box. (Yeah. John Paul Jones was always my favorite too.)

You can still go into any suburban mall in the 2000's and see people both young and old in LZ t-shirts just like the way it was in the 70's and 80's and 90's. Nothing's changed. Led Zeppelin is a constant, just like Jesus, only more bombastic and sexual. Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah love love love love. That is why God thinks that Led Zeppelin is a faggot. After all, he made Robert Plant wear those girly shirts with his hairy chest exposed and those tight jeans wear you can see his dick and balls. He also made Jimmy Page use double neck guitars because two dicks are better than one.

It is a little known fact that God himself was involved with LZ in the earlier part of their recording career. It was the early 70's and God was still mourning the loss of his fallen spiritual children, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison. Realizing that LZ had the same spiritual potential, God took it upon himself to guide the band. God realized that even though the band members themselves were heterosexual, the actual spiritual energy of the band was obliviously that of a flaming faggot. Now, if you listen to the words of someone like Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church, you might believe that God hates faggots. Actually, God has an uncanny sense of humor and that's why he made Fred Phelps and the gays in the first place. To liven up an otherwise dreary human species.



And so, back in 1971, when God was working on the artwork for the forth LZ album cover, you know, the entitled "One" (or Led Zeppelin IV or Zoso or Ruins or Stairway To Heaven... You can take your pick!) He decided to throw in a very gay twist. Just because God is witty and funny and very self amusing. He decided, "Okay. Here I have a picture of an old man, all hunched over with a cane. What if I put a fagot (which everyone knows is a bundle of sticks bound toghether) on his back? That way, this old guy can be taking it up the bum by a faggot, and no one will even notice."

I don't think that God had any idea how huge that LZ album would become. He never imagined that image would be printed on t-shirts and buttons and posters millions of times over. Also, I'm not so sure who that old guy on the cover was, but I have my suspicions.

A few years later, God really had a falling out with LZ when he realized that they, like the Beatles, had gotten bigger than Jesus. In fact, he got so miffed that he took John Bonham away from us which pretty much ended the band. And, except for a few appearances here and there, the band has remained the same. Locked away from soaring in the air. Until tonight, when the Mothership will soar once again and fill the air with the beautiful, sexual hymns that will be sung for generations to come.

It's been a long time since I rock and rolled,
It's been a long time since I did the stroll.
Ooh, let me get it back, let me get it back,
Let me get it back, baby, where I come from.
It's been a long time, been a long time,
Been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time.

Yes, it has.