Almost Safe For Work

Taming Mumi Productions
In Association With
Almost Safe For Work Pictures
Presents...
The G.I.Mo's Adventure Team In An All New Epic Adventure...
"The Dreaded Curse Of The Envious Dr. Moss"



Our story begins with our beloved G.I. Mo’s all hanging out in the barracks at the G.I. Mo Headquarters. It’s just a few days before the Christmas, and the guys are clowning around and having a good time. Buzz Cut has just gotten a new Christmas jock strap and has put it on and is modeling it for the rest of the Mo’s.

Mo #2: Yeah Dude! Looks hot!

Mo #1: Woo Hoo! Who’s your daddy?

Sgt. Grunt: Yeah Buddy! I’m gonna ride that thing hard tonight. You know I am.

Mo #3: Let’s stick one of those giant candy canes up his ass.

Mo #4: Yeah! Then we can take turns sucking on it.

Unbeknownst to the G.I. Mo’s, they were all being watched on a secret spy camera by the always envious Dr. Moss who was, as usual, up to no good.

Dr. Moss: I hate those G.I. Mo’s with their fuzzy beards. They think that they are so cool. They are always having so much fun, and they are always having so much sex. It should be me having all that fun and all that sex. But, NO! I’m always excluded from their wild sex parties and extra fun adventures. I even messaged one of them on Manhunt a while back. He said hello to me but then ignored me and didn’t message me back again. I guess he figures that he’s just too good looking to talk to me. Well, I’ve had enough. I’m going to go down there to that G.I. Mo headquarters and teach them all a lesson.



About a half hour later, at the G.I. Mo headquarters, Buzz Cut’s exotic Santa thong dance for the guys was rudely interrupted by the envious Dr. Moss.

Dr. Moss: You G.I. Mo’s have rejected me for the last time. Now you will face my vengeance.

Mo #3: Who let this guy in?

Mo #2: I don’t know. He seems hostile though. Should we take him down?

Mo #1: No. Just stay alert.

Sgt. Grunt: Look dude, I don’t know who the fuck you are, but my buddy here was giving us a nice little show before you walked in and fucked it up. I would ask you to stick around but...

Dr. Moss: I wouldn’t stand around and watch this slutty piece of ass shake it even if you paid me to.

All The Mo’s: Ooooooohhhhhhhh! No he did-ent!

Mo #1: The Gruntman doesn’t like it when guys talk trash about his boy. You better apologize dude.

Dr. Moss: I will do no such thing.

Buzz Cut: Wait a minute... I remember you now. I logged on to Manhunt last week to check my messages, and this guy says hi to me. So, I say hi back and read the rest of my messages and then log out. Two days later, I log in again and I find nine hostile messages, all from this guy telling me how much of an asshole I am and how I must feel too superior to talk to someone like him and how much of a slut he thinks I am.

Sgt. Grunt: What the...? I should pound the motherfucker.

Dr. Moss: Not before I turn your slutty, whore ass boyfriend into Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley.

And with those words, Dr. Moss did a rather queer dance on one leg while pointing at Buzz Cut and “POOOOOF” Buzz Cut was turned into Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley. And then Dr. Moss was gone in a flash.



Squiggy: HELLO!

Sgt. Grunt: What the...? Where’s Buzzy? Where’s my little buddy? Where’s that motherfucker Dr. Moss!?? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mo #1: What a horrible thing to happen to us just a few days before Christmas.

Mo #2: Yeah! Where’s Buzz Cut? Doesn’t this Squiggy guy have his own boyfriend?

Mo #3: Well, we’d better do something about all of this. Fast.

Mo #4: Yeah, but what?

Mo #1: Well, when bad things happen around this time of year, it’s best to call the Winter Warlock.

Mo #4: Who?

Mo #2: The Winter Warlock. He’s that old man on the top of the mountain on the inside cover of Led Zeppelin’s forth album. We should call him.

Mo #3: Yeah, we should. But how?

Mo #1: Well, the best way to do that is to sing that old Christmastime standard that the Winter Warlock likes the best.

Mo #2: You mean The Misty Mountain Hop.



Mo #1: Right. Now I’ll grab my guitar and you all gather ‘round and we’ll sing together. I’ll start us out...

Walkin' in the park just the other day, Buddy.
What do you, what do you think I saw?
Crowds of people sittin' on the grass with flowers in their hair said,
"Hey, Boy, do you wanna score?"
And you know how it is...

The other G.I. Mo’s and Squiggy joined in.

Well you know, They asked us to stay for tea and have some fun,
Oh, oh, he said that his friends would all drop by, ooh

Their singing seemed to be working. Something was happening. Suddenly, there was a mist in the air.

Why don't you take a good look at yourself and describe what you see,
And Buddy, Buddy, Buddy, do you like it?

The mist was taking shape.

Then, the Winter Warlock appeared and joined the Mo’s in song:

So I've decided what I'm gonna do now.
So I'm packing my bags for the Misty Mountains
Where the spirits go now,
Over the hills where the spirits fly.

All Mo’s and Winter Warlock: Ooh! Oooh! I really don’t know.

Winter Warlock: Oh, look at all the G.I Mo’s! My favorite adventure team. Well, I do say, it’s my extreme pleasure to be awoken from the Led Zeppelin four album cover by you studs! So, what I can I do for you boys today?

Mo# 2: Well, you see Winter, there’s this mean guy named Dr. Moss who has turned our buddy’s boyfriend, Buzz Cut, into Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley.

Squiggy: HELLO!

Mo #1: And, to tell you the truth, we kind of liked Buzz Cut better. He’s our pal.

Winter Warlock: Oh yes. I see. That is a big problem. Well, there is only thing that we can do.

Mo #3: What?

Winter Warlock: We will summon the evil Dr. Moss and make him take his curse back.

All the G.I. Mo’s: Yo Mo!

Winter Warlock: Evil and envious Dr. Moss, how dare you put a curse on this sexy G.I. Mo. I command you to appear before me and take the curse off of him.

Dr. Moss: What do you bitches want now? And, who’s that? Your most recent senior citizen bukakee target?



Winter Warlock: How dare you throw out insults like a monster without a leash. These good G.I. Mo’s have taken an oath to seek out adventure and get it on with as many other hot dudes as possible. You have taken it upon yourself to take this Mo’s hot little fuck buddy and turn him into a Squigmon. And, at this time of year, when you should be thinking of how are you going to cuddle up with as many hot men as possible to keep warm. For shame. You are doing just the opposite by handing out insults and putting curses on hot daddy’s boys.

Dr. Moss: Well, I was just trying to fit in. I saw the G.I. Mo’s on the Extraordinarily Unexciting Lives of Bubala, Mumi and Max, and I just really wanted to be one of the Mo’s too. They just looked so hot and acted so cool. I wanted to be one of them too. I knew right away though that they would reject me because I’m not as hot or as sexy as they are. And, they did reject me. I messaged one of them on Manhunt, and he completely ignored me.

Mo #4: Hey man, a lot of time we G.I. Mo’s are pretty busy.

Mo #1: Yeah. It takes a lot of time and hard work to plan a great adventure.

Mo #2: And, we are not always having sex. Sometimes, we have to sleep.

Mo #3: Yeah. Also, sexy is in the eye of the beholder. You should let others decide if they think that you’re hot or not before you judge yourself for them. I think that if you hadn’t acted like such an asshole, I would of wanted to do you. What do you think guys?

Mo #4: Yeah man. He looks like a hot, early 80’s porn star!

Dr. Moss: Well, what if I take the curse off of Buzz Cut?

And, with those words, Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley was gone and the beloved G.I. Mo fuck buddy, Buzz Cut, was back.

Dr. Moss: Well, what do you say now guys? Wanna fuck?

Winter Warlock: Not so fast there bud. Since you have displayed such dismal characteristics such as alienation, self loathing and hostility towards others, I am going to put a curse on you. I am going to turn you into the G.I. Mo’s Christmas tree this year. That will teach you the important lessons of fitting in, self confidence, being the centerpiece of a gathering and most importantly, how to stop being such an nasty asshole and how to let your inner beauty shine through. As a bonus, you’ll get to watch all of these hot G.I. Mo’s have one of their infamous and exclusive G.I. Mo fuck parties.

Dr. Moss: Will you really? Oh, that would be the best Christmas gift I ever got!

And so, with a wave the Winter Warlock’s magic wand, Dr. Moss was turned the G.I. Mo’s Christmas tree. And that year, the Mo’s had not one, not three, but ten G.I. Mo hot man-sex parties just so Dr. Moss could feel more like one of the guys. And, they all shot lots and lots of hot hairy man jizz on one another’s furry chests and beards underneath that Christmas tree.



All the G.I. Mo’s, Winter Warlock, Jimmy Jar Head: Merry Christmas to all of the G.I. Mo’s everywhere! Yo Mo!