I've Got Mail... YAY!

Junk mail is annoying.

I'm talking about snail mail here. The stuff that clutters up the physical mail box, not the one in cyber space. Although, come to think of it, junk e-mail is just as annoying!

Credit card offers, million dollar contests (that somehow I always end up being a finalist in even though I never even entered them), flyers from grocery stores, coupons for free laser hair removal, Chinese food restaurant menus, more credit card offers, mortgage refinance offers, naked man magazines... oh, wait a minute, I subscribed to those. They're not junk mail...

Every now and then, something comes along in the old mailbox that just makes me smile though, even if it is junk mail. That's what happened yesterday when my letter from St. Matthew's Church in Oklahoma arrived.

I could tell without even opening the envelope that this was going to be a good one. On the front of the envelope, it says, "Two Homes Are About To Be Blessed... Then It Must Go To Another Dear Friend. Yours First!"

Then, I turned the envelope over and it got even better. On the back, in a cartoon-ish sort of font it says, "Dear Jesus, We pray that you will bless someone in this home spiritually, physically & financially. And please Dear Lord, Bless the one who’s (sic) hands open this letter. Make good changes in this one’s life and give them the desires of their heart. We pray over and bless this letter in your Holy Name. Amen"

I was so excited! I mean, my home was about to be blessed by Jesus, after all. I had to tear open the envelope and find out what cool things I was going to win from Jesus... Maybe a million dollars, a new sports car, eternal life, a hot new hairy sex slave for me and Mumi... What could it be?

Here is what I found inside the envelope:

An 11-by-17 sheet of paper with the face of Jesus on it. It sort of looks like the Shroud of Turin. "Church Prayer Rug" is printed on the paper below Jesus' face. It's a good thing that they labeled it, or I wouldn’t have known it was a prayer rug. Here is what it says on the paper below the image of Jesus: "Look into Jesus’ Eyes you will see they are closed. But as you continue to look you will see His eyes opening and looking back into your eyes. Then go and be alone and kneel on this Rug of Faith or touch it to both knees. Then please check your needs on our letter to you. Please Return this Prayer Rug. Do not keep it."

Wow! This was going to be easy! All I have to do is kneel on the paper rug and wish for stuff? Hell, then let me get started!



I got right down on my knees for Jesus and started to pray about the all the cool stuff I wanted. A 42" plasma TV, no wait, make that a 54" plasma TV, a billion dollars, washboard abs, that sex slave that I mentioned earlier. I have to admit that I felt pretty weird kneeling there in front of Jesus. Usually when I get down on my knees, it's to um, well... well, I'm sure you can figure that out for yourself.

So, I finished wishing for all the cool stuff that I wanted and went on to read the letter that was enclosed with the fancy paper rug to see how I was supposed to go about collecting all my free stuff from Jesus. Supposedly, I have to check off the things that I want on a checklist and then mail the letter, the paper Jesus rug and some money back to to the church. Wait a minute... mail money to the church. This is starting to sound like it could possibly be a scam!

I took a look at the things in the checklist that I could wish for: a closer walk with Jesus, my health, to stop a bad habit, a better job, confusion in my home? (Okay, I don't know what that last one is all about either, but it's on the list!) What the fuck?!? Who in the hell wants all these crappy things? I want fancy home electronics, a house on the beach, cars, exotic vacations, hot sweaty man sex. Why isn't any of that stuff on the list?

Oh, hold up, wait a minute. A new car and a money blessing are on the list, so all is not lost! I can just wish for the money. That way, I can just buy all of those other things for myself.

But wait, I have to send money to the church to make my wish for money come true? That's a little redundant, don'tcha think? Maybe this is a scam after all...

*sigh*

There go all my dreams of money, materialistic over-indulgence and hairy naked men! Right down the crapper! What a letdown!

Oh well! I'll just have to call my good old friends, George W. and Laura Bush. They send me junk mail too, so you know that we are tight! I think I'll ask George if he wants to go see Brokeback Mountain with me again. Maybe that will lift my spirits. Yeah, good 'ol G.W. and Laura If anyone can help me find hot hairy man sex in D.C., it has got to be them... After all, George W. Bush can do anything, right?