Self Evaluation

Even though it is not always immediately apparent, I, like many other people in the world, suffer from a negative self image. No, I don't think that I am hideously fugly, obscenely obese or anything drastic like that. There are, however, a couple of things about my body that make me cringe every now and then during all of those long hours that I spend staring at myself while standing naked in front of a full length mirror.

For Example: Despite the fact that no one else will agree with me, I am completely convinced that I have a big, fat, flabby ass. Also, my legs are too long and too skinny, and my hips are way too wide for a guy. Come to think of it, my mother has told me before that when she was pregnant with me, way back in the mediaeval, pre-modern, medical miracle times, her doctor told her that she was going to be having a baby girl. Ha! Imagine everyone's shock and surprise when I popped out with a little penis and balls! Now, that could certainly explain my wide, child-bearing hips and my long skinny legs.

Hmmmmm..... Maybe I am actually a woman trapped inside of a man's body. Oh well, I don't worry too much about that though. I love all my man parts way too much to want to change any of them into woman parts. So, the woman inside of me will just have to stay stuck inside this hairy penis-packing man-body of mine.

Ah, but I digress...

What I was trying to say in this post is that, in an effort to improve my self image, and to just improve my health in general, I have actually been exercising lately. I know, it's hard to believe, isn't it? It's really true though. I have been bicycling, hiking, walking, doing ab crunches, doing push-ups, lifting weights. It's a miracle, I tell you! This has been going on now for something like two or three months! And, I am eating a little bit better too. I have really cut down on the junk food. No more Little Debbie snack cakes. No more delicious Peanut Butter Double Stuf Oreo cookies. (Oh, how I miss those!)

Now, I know that I still have a long way to go, but Mumi and I have already started to notice some results from all of my efforts. Yes, I still have those long skinny legs and wide hips, but now I also actually have a two pack of abs! I'm still working on the rest of the six pack. And, I have pecs! Little pecs mind you, but pecs nonetheless! Also, my ass maybe, possibly seems just a little bit less flabby than usual.

Oh, this is all so very exciting!

The picture at the top of this post is the first one that has been taken of me in a very long time that I am not embarrassed by. Yeah, the pose is a little dorky and Max is obviously completely unimpressed by my hot, new body, but I like the pic. I think it makes me look just a little bit sexy, and that is a really good thing.

I'm Surprised That I Didn't Have To Pee In A Cup

I feel so violated.

Imagine my bewilderment when I went to Wal-Mart today to buy some Dayquil and the nice lady behind the counter asked to see my driver's license. So, I showed it to her, but that was not good enough. I had to take it out of my wallet and hand it to her so that she could take down all my personal information and type it all into the computer and send it off to some cold medicine drug addict database to make sure that I am not a Dayquil addict! Wow! That is C-R-A-Z-Y! I had heard about this happening to other people, but never in a million years did I imagine that it could happen to me!

Hmmmm, I wonder if there is good money to be made hustling Dayquil to the kids on the streets?

(kidding, kidding... I am totally kidding! Or, am I?)

Sounds & Stories...

Some music that I have been listening to lately...

1. The Ark - State Of The Ark

Here is a review from Amazon.com:

The Ark is Sweden's answer to Scissor Sisters and the Darkness, specializing in bad puns, bad unitards, and great big glam rock hooks. But where the former draws inspiration from Elton John and the latter from Queen, this lot seems to have discovered its calling through Duran Duran's Seven and the Ragged Tiger, matching stealthy disco rhythms with cheesy rock riffs and squiggly synthesizer lines. But then there's singer Ola Salo, a gender-bender in the mold of Marc Bolan with a serious mean streak that surfaces in not-as-superficial-as-you-might-expect tracks such as "This Piece of Poetry Is Meant To Do No Harm" and "Rock City Wankers," in which he prods, "You put a spike into your vein/Oh no! Does it make you think you've got the blood of Thunders in your brain?" Is it any wonder the band has struck a chord with John Cameron Mitchell, the creator of Hedwig, who has picked two of Salo's songs for inclusion in his next movie, Shortbus? --Aidin Vaziri

2. Junkie XL - Today

From the Junkie XL Website:

"An often gorgeous journey through Holkenborg's musical interests, Today is occasionally shot through with riff-rock immediacy, and more often recalls the melodic beauty of New Order, while sometimes throbbing and pulsing like a house record."

A book that I have been reading lately...

1. Augusten Burroughs - Magical Thinking: True Stories

I picked this book up in the bargain bin at Borders for $4.99. I don't read very many books. I am trying to change that, so I figured I'd start out cheaply by checking out the bargain books. This book by Augusten Burroughs is truly a bargain! A great book full of funny stories. Now, I can't wait to check out his other books as well.

Now, what about you? What are you listening to? What are you reading?

P.S. I don't know what that picture up there has to do with anything in this blog. I just liked it. I have always believed that music and nudity belong together. I'm hoping to catch Mumi in a similar pose shortly!

Can I Get A Copy For My Blog?

Lately, I haven't had the urge, desire, want or need to blog. In between all the things that I need to do and all the things that I want to do, blogging comes in pretty low priority-wise. There are a few reasons for this. One is that I'm really getting away from electronics and focusing on things that use human power rather than electricity or oil. I'm gearing up for the great energy crisis, I guess. So, I ride my bike. Max and I go for walks. My musical exorcises/exercises are released on acoustic instruments for the most part. My TV viewing and computer surfing are minimal. Who has time to do all that and still have a relationship with Bubala as well?

My other main "blog resistance" issue comes from the idea that "all you blog can and will be used against you in the court of life." So, I'm a little weirded out that, not only is big brother watching and taking notes, but little sister, Aunt Shirley, Grandpa Joe, Cousin Morgahide, Punky Lazaar, my boss and that demon girl, Vicki who joined the Love Boat as Captain Stubbings daughter could all be reading along, and that's kind of unsettling to me. I want to share, but on the other hand, it's watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical, a liberal, a fanatical criminal, a name dropper.

So, I was watching an old Laurie Anderson video, and it kind of hit me all at once what I should do about this problem. It took a little while for me to work this idea out though, because it's against the law in this country and you have to go through a friend who has a friend who knows this guy whose cousin has contacts. (Kind of like some drug deals.) Finally, however, I got hold of a team of underground scientists who work in shady laboratories (like crack houses) to agree to clone me. Now, I have been wanting to do this for some time. Being a Pieces, I really enjoy my solitude, and there are some days that I don't want to go to work, I don't want have a dog, I don't want to have a lover, I don't want to be me, etc. The role of Mumi just sometimes seems too difficult, and I feel like I was miscast. You know, like most of Keanu Reeves' movies. So, to have a clone would be ideal. I worked with the scientists to enhance certain things, you know to make the clone better than the real thing. Things like being a great conversationalist who has excellent people skills. Someone who doesn't hate himself most of the time. Someone who plays well with others.

In addition to sending my clone off to do things that I just don't want to do, I can also send him off to do things that I want to do but I can't because I want to do something else at the same time. For example, my buddy, Greg, always wants me to go to Titan on Fridays, but after a week of work, I kind of just want to get away from people and relax and turn myself off for a while. So, now I can just send my clone in my place. I'm sure he'll have a better time than I would. He drinks and then he gets brave and social. I don't. I can also get him to write blogs for me. So, that way, if his blogs are offensive, or if he says the wrong thing like "George W. Bush, one of these days I'm going to cut you into tiny little pieces," and the feds come knocking on my door, I'll just say that the clone wrote it and that he stole it from a Pink Floyd song. And, if they say that clones are illegal in the United States, I'll just say, "Well there he is, arrest him. I only steal from Supertramp songs myself. Max and I are going for a walk now, buh-bye." I won't care if they arrest my clone because I'll be knowing the whole time that the scientists have a master clone and they can replace my clone any time.

Which reminds me, about a year ago, Bubala and I went up to Philly to see a Salvador Dali exhibit. It was one of the first retrospectives of his work in the US in like 40 years. Works were gathered from all over the world for this exhibit. You could feel his presence there, and as we walked around, Bubala and I jumped into a few of his paintings and in one painting, Dali came to us and said, "I hope you wiped you feet off before jumping in and out of my paintings like that." I assured him that we had and then, in a rare moment, I pulled Dali close to myself and I asked him, "Dali, in your great genius, tell this stupid white guy from the US suburbs, what is the meaning of life." (Yes Bubala, this would have been a good time to be taking some pictures!)

Dali whispered into my ear "Etre Dieu."

Thanks to all of you who sent well wishes for our 10th anniversary. It really meant a lot to me. PEACE

Down... Set... Hike!

I had the chance to get out and do a little hiking this past Thursday. I went out to Patapsco State Park and hiked the Buzzards Rock Trail. It is a two mile circuit through the woods, up some steep hills and then around some flat sections and down another steep hill. It was great! I love to hike. It really gives me a chance to clear my mind and just relax and feel the warm sun shining down on me. So refreshing. I am looking forward to many, many more hiking days this summer. If any of you all want to come along on a hike some time, just let me know. Hiking alone is fun. Hiking with friends is even more fun!

Today, We Are 10

Today is our 10th anniversary.

On our first date, we walked around downtown Annapolis talking and getting to know each other some. Then, we went to dinner at the Double-T Diner in Glen Burnie. After dinner, we went to the movies to see a sneak preview of Twister.

It was a great night. It was the first night of the rest of my life.

I love you Mumi, and I am so happy that we have made it this far. I know that we will continue on our journey together. It's the just the way that we were meant to be.

Love Always,
Bubala

Describe Your Weekend In One Word Or Less

For me, the one word this weekend was:

Disappointing

I don't know if it's the weather or the allergies or whatever, but this weekend was kinda blah for me. I know I should have been much more excited than I was. After all, Blowoff was this past Saturday night. I mean, I love Blowoff... don't I? Well, this month at least, I guess I'd have to answer yes and no.

You see, there were a few things this month which got in the way of my usual great time at Blowoff. First off, Bob and Rich didn't do their usual live set this month. That was a bit of a disappointment, but I'll forgive them. Then, two of my friends who I was really looking forward to dancing the night away shirtless with had early Sunday morning commitments, so they cut out really, really early without ever even taking their shirts off. Another disappointment. And, another guy that I had really been looking forward to finally meeting in person seemed completely uninterested/unwilling to come over and say hi. Maybe he's shy? Maybe he has an aversion to the color red? (I was wearing a loud red shirt.) Maybe he just really doesn't care for me? Whatever the reason, it was a big disappointment.

The night wasn't a total bust though. I did get to chat and hang out a bit with Carl, Don and Jim. Always a pleasure fellas! I also hung out with the always pleasant, ever smiling Bowie Cub.

On Sunday, the mothers and my sister who is also a mother came over for Mother's Day brunch. That was fun. My nephew, who just turned one last month, is quite a handful. He ran all over the house picking things up, dropping things on the floor, banging on doors, kissing himself in the full length mirror, rearranging the refrigerator magnets, trying to eat the refrigerator magnets and the list goes on. It all made me realize that I do not want children. Not now, not ever! They're fun to be around in small doses, but I would go crazy if I had to try to keep up with my nephew 24/7!

E=mc DUMB!

When I was in the fourth grade, I had two teachers. Miss Rafferty was my teacher for most of the day, every subject except for science. Miss Hanvey was my science teacher. Some time during the day, Miss Hanvey would come over to our classroom and teach us science, and Miss Rafferty would go over next door to Miss Hanvey's classroom and teach them language arts. Sometimes, our regular teachers would be out sick or whatever, so we would have a substitute teacher.

I remember on more than one occasion when Miss Hanvey was "out sick" and her substitute would be another woman named Miss Hanvey who looked just like the regular Miss Hanvey. Same body style, same facial features. The only differences were their eyeglasses and their hairstyles. Those were the only differences between the two women. Otherwise, these women could have been twin sisters. In fact, that is what our regular Miss Hanvey would always tell us when she got back from "being sick" or whatever. She would ask us if we enjoyed having her twin sister as our substitute teacher.

The funny thing is that whenever the substitute Miss Hanvey would come in to cover for her "sister", she would try to teach us things about science that, even as fourth graders, we knew were just not true. Some examples include the day she tried to convince us that the sound of thunder was caused by what the lightning bolts hit. Or, the day that she declared that the moon glows all by itself with no help from the sun. Or, the day she told us that plants grow by eating dirt through the mouths their roots. Seriously! What's worse is if we dared to disagree with the substitute Miss Hanvey about any of these so called scientific facts, she would threaten us by reminding us that she was twin sisters with the real Miss Hanvey and she could very easily persuade the real Miss Hanvey to flunk us all for being so stupid.

Thinking back on it all, I'm not sure if our Miss Hanvey was just a schizophrenic or if she just really got off on fucking with little fourth grade kids' heads. Who knows? Maybe Miss Hanvey really did have a twin sister and it was the twin sister who was crazy. All I know is that this is why I could never be an elementary school teacher. All I would want to do is mess with the kids' heads. I'd teach them things like you can get pregnant by drinking out of the same cup as someone else. Or, that liver and onions and Brussels sprouts cause cancer. Or, that you don't really have to get good grades, or be successful at anything at all really, even if you want to become president of the United States. (Oh wait, apparently that last one is actually true...)

Man, now that would be FUN!

Super Fun Saturday

This past Saturday morning, Mumi and I were sitting around the house trying to think of something fun to do. Mumi came up with the great suggestion that we head on over to the Loch Raven Fishing Center in Towson, Maryland, rent a boat and go out on the reservoir for a while. We had done this once before last year, and it was a lot of fun. Since the weather was just about perfect for a day on the water, I agreed and off we went.

The last time we went to Loch Raven, we rented a row boat. That was a mistake. The Loch Raven Reservoir is a pretty big body of water to be rowing around in. We didn't make it too far from the boat house last year before we were too tuckered out to go very much further. This year, we wised up and rented a motor boat. Even though, the rental boats are small with tiny 30lb. thrust electric trolling motors, it still beats rowing around in circles for three hours and getting nowhere.

Of course, I had to shyly admit to the creepy redneck boat house guy that I was too stupid to know how to operate an electric boat motor. Grinning slyly, he assured me that I could get a free lesson from one of the boys down at the shore when we got to our boat. Turns out, that the motors are very easy to operate. Just twist the shaft to the right to go forward and twist the shaft to the left to go in reverse. I'm great at anything having to do with shafts, and I already knew enough about steering a boat to get by. So, after ramming the boat next to us while turning around, we headed intrepidly, but very slowly, out into the reservoir. Like I said earlier, these rental boats do not have very powerful motors. We're not talking about speed boats here. I would estimate that when we hit top speed, we must have been going at least 7 miles an hour. It certainly beats rowing though.

We cruised along the reservoir just looking at nature and enjoying the warm sunny breeze. We had the digital camera with us, so we snapped a lot of pictures of the water, the trees, the rocks and other pretty things. There were a few other boats out, but not so many that we felt crowded or anything like that. Most of the boats were so far away that we really couldn't see the people on board and they couldn't see us. I navigated us to some areas that I was familiar with from my hiking experiences at the reservoir. There a lot of great trails that run along the shore that are just perfect for hiking or mountain biking.

We even managed to find a rather secluded spot behind an island near the shore and we did what all good monkeys do. We did a little naughty, naked monkey sunbathing. Yep, the shorts came off and we laid out on the boat in all our glory catching some rays. It felt awesome! The sun beating down on our bare flesh, the breeze blowing over our warmed bodies. Wow, what a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon. (Yeah, before you ask, there is also photographic evidence of this part of the trip. Wouldn't you like to see it?)

Of course, I have this problem. Well, most people my age wouldn't call it a problem at all, but it does cause me embarrassment from time to time. You see, I am very easily excited. It doesn't take much at all to get my flag waving. So, of course, as soon as my shorts came off, the flagpole went up, if you know what I mean. So, if anyone happened to be hiking on the trails near the shore or if anyone on any of the other boats had binoculars, I'm sure they were amused, or possibly horrified, when they gazed over our way hoping to see some pretty nature things and instead caught a glimpse of the hairy, naked man with the big 'ole boner laying on top of his boat right out in the middle of the reservoir. Oh well. That'll teach them to be nosy, huh?


We had such a great time boating on the reservoir. If any of you are ever searching for a way to pass a nice sunny day, get yourselves to the Loch Raven Reservoir, rent yourselves a motor boat and get out there on the water and get naked! Well, you don't have to do the naked part, but just get out there and enjoy a day on the water. It's a great way to spend the day.

Whether The Weather Be Hot

I am going to gather some of this up and put it into some jars. I will seal up those jars really tight and put them on a shelf in the basement. It is always cool down there, so it will all stay very fresh. Then, later in the year, possibly in the fall or maybe in the winter, we will go down into the basement together. We will pull a jar down off of the shelf and carry it back up the steps. We will open the jar and let the beautiful warmth and bright sunlight wash all over both of us. Then, we will smile again.

Memory Avoidance

"She remembers me
It has been six or seven years
But she remembers me
She asks me if I am married
So she does not really know me
Next she talks about some times
And some things we had in common
And I am comfortable
Because I am someone
She remembers"



There is a part of me that has been yearning to reconnect with some friends from my past. I have cut a lot of people out of my life over the years for no good reason. In the early 1990's, I turned my back on all of the people I knew around my age whom I had been friends with since my high school days and earlier.

I went though this phase when I was in my early 20's where I chose to spend all of my time hanging around with this group of troubled teens, kids really. Most of them were 15 or 16 years old. All of theses kids were heavily into drugs and drinking. Serious drugs too like coke, LSD and PCP. They were always really desperate for their next great high. So much so that they would do crazy shit like inhaling butane or "huffing" gasoline to get a buzz. Pretty sick stuff if you ask me.

I did not drink or do any drugs at all at that time in my life. So, when I first started hanging out with these kids, I guess I had this grand idea in my head that I could be the person in their lives who could show them that they did not have to indulge in illegal substances to have a good time. Somehow, I could save them from all of the evils of drugs and alcohol. I could be their savior. So, I took them all under my wing and we hung out together doing sober things like playing baseball, shooting pool, playing Super Nintendo and fun things like that. That idea worked fine for a few months until they all started to get bored with me and my straight-laced ways.

Of course, by that time, I had grown quite close to these young men. Too close. Some might even say that I was obsessed with one or two of them. I always wanted to be around them even though they were always doing things that I did not approve of. I don't know what it was. Maybe I just was delighted to be hanging out with people who were, in my mind at least, inferior to me. Maybe I was living out all of my drug life fantasies vicariously though them. Maybe I was just lusting after troubled teenaged boys. Maybe I just enjoyed getting phone calls at 3am from piss-drunk kids asking me to come and pick them up out of the gutter and drive them home which was not always so easy since, often times, they were so drunk that they didn't even know where they were. Whatever my motives were, after it became apparent that they were very quickly getting bored with me, I decided that I would have change some things about myself if I wanted to continue to hold their interest.

So, I started getting drunk with them. Just about every night, we'd all go pick up a bottle of our favorite flavor of "Mad Dog" 20/20 and head out to the train tracks to get wasted. I didn't really enjoy getting drunk as much as I enjoyed feeling like I was finally being accepted by this group of kids. Then, we moved on to some of the harder stuff. I tried pot for the first time and the second time and the third time... I dropped acid. I smoked a "dipper." (A cigarette dipped in PCP.) I smoked a "whacker." (A marijuana joint dipped in PCP.) Hell, I got so desperate for a high, I even huffed gas to get a buzz. What the fuck was I thinking? Why was I compromising myself just so I would be accepted by these young men?

To this day, I still don't know why I did all of those things. It was not me at all. I don't really drink anymore. I don't do drugs at all anymore. So, why, way back then, did I feel like I had to do all of those things to impress those kids? Why was I trying so hard to fit in with that group? Why did I turn my back on all of my great friends from high school just so I could try to fit in with a bunch of misfits? Why?

There is still a big part of me that is yearning to reconnect with some old friends from my past. Unfortunately, there is a bigger part of me that is too afraid to pick up the phone and dial the numbers that would connect me, through the network of wires, to those old friends.

Come on, just pick up the phone.
Dial the number.
Okay, it's ringing.
Once.
Twice.
Click, a voice on the other end says, "hello."
Click, I hang up...

Fear is just such a stupid, useless thing.

Personal Preoccupation

I realized today that even though I have been blogging now for like 60 years or so, I have yet to share with you any really, secret personal details about myself. Sure, you know my first name and you know that I live in fancy Glen Burnie. And you know that I live with a cute little monkey and a dog, but you don't even know what my favorite color is. You don't know what my favorite number is. You don't know if I prefer boxers or briefs. (For the record, I prefer being naked most of the time.) You don't even know what my favorite food is. I'm just so mysterious!

Believe me, all of this secrecy was totally not intentional. It just happened that way. It just seemed to me that anything else that I could possibly blog about had to be more exciting than blah-blahing about little 'ole me.

In an effort to familiarize you all a little more with the man behind the curtain, I hope to start blogging about the more personal things in my life. We'll start with my job. Here are a bunch of hints about how life is at my place of employment. See if you can figure out what I do for a living.

(No fair if you have already met me live and in person and beat the secret mystery of my employment out of me!)

Where I work...

• I get to feel a lot of balls every day.
• many more people leave at the end of the day poorer than when they arrived.
• I usually do not have to pay for my meals. Management buys them for me most of the time.
• I might be serving less than 50 people on some days, or I could be serving over 1,000 people on other days.
• some people leave at the end of the day wealthier than when they arrived.
• there are computers.
• I get cussed at by the customers sometimes.
• I might say the word "balls" several times a day.
• sometimes I stuff envelopes.
• I have counted millions of dollars.
• I cuss at the customers sometimes.
• I have frequently called my bosses assholes to their faces without getting fired.
• I am completely out and no one cares.
• people smoke a lot of cigarettes.
• numbers are very important.
• I make a hell of a lot of tips.
• I don't have to wear a suit and tie.
• I can make my own schedule.
• there are claw machines.
• there is a lot of deep fried food.
• we sell gift certificates.
• I am not allowed to wait on my family if they happen to be there.

Where do I work, and what do I do?