Why I Don't Watch The News

I usually do not watch the news on television. I can't stand it. It's so depressing and, most of the time, infuriating to me as well. Like last night, on CNN, for example. They were doing a piece on that creepy, Idahoan, closeted, scary, old, restroom sex seeking, Republican man. Some ignorant bitch was interviewing some police officer about it all. The bitch closed the interview by saying something like, "Of course, the most important question that is on all of our minds right now is, just how safe are our children in these public restrooms?"

WTF?!!?!?

Oh yeah, that's right! All the homos are also pedophiles. Wow, how could I have forgotten that? It's right there, in the homo handbook on page 69. "Thou shalt stalk thy straight neighbors' children."

What a f@#!ing ignorant bitch!

I would expect that sort of stupid question from someone on Fox News, but CNN?

I hate television news...

I Bet I'd Make A Great Fluffer!

I got my first offer to be in a porno movie the other day. Apparently, it is a XXX rated horror movie. I was asked if I wanted to to participate in the gay zombie orgy scene. The writer/director also said that he would write a scene just for Mumi and me if I wasn't comfortable with the whole orgy thing. I like orgies just fine though.

I don't know what scares me more. The thought that someone is actually currently filming a XXX rated horror movie somewhere in Baltimore, or the fact that I am really seriously considering being in the XXX-horror movie currently being filmed somewhere in Baltimore.

One Week Later...

Snippets From A Recent Conversation...

The Bald Monkey: Well Mumi, are we feeling better this week?
Mumi: Yes, thanks for asking.
The Bald Monkey: You know, in those pictures of you where you are crying, it almost looks like Bubala has his stiff one up there, and you just can't take it and you are crying like a little girly man.
Mumi: You didn't ask me here to talk about that, did you?
The Bald Monkey: Well, no. Mostly, I just asked you here to see how you are. Now, if you would give me the good news first.
Mumi: Oh, okay. Today is Lerxst's Birthday.
The Bald Monkey: Oh really? How old is he?
Mumi: He's 54.
The Bald Monkey: 54? And just think, some hot 17 year old's grandmother still thinks he's sexy.
Mumi: Lots of them still do.
The Bald Monkey: And, are you going to his birthday party?
Mumi: Well, you know how everyone is having those birthday weeks these days, so we are going to go spend some time with him later this week.
The Bald Monkey: So, does that mean that you and Bubala are planning another one of your excellent adventures?
Mumi: Yes we are.
The Bald Monkey: What is this one called?
Mumi: Oh, this excellent adventure has a great title:

Rush & Rollercoasters Book II: The Ohiospheres

The Bald Monkey: Awesome title. What's the plan this time?
Mumi: Well, on Wednesday afternoon, August 29th, we travel on the road to adventure on an open highway, straight to the heart of the sun like lovers and heroes and the restless part of everyone.

Here's the itinerary:

August 30th: RUSH - Cleveland - (13th row Pratt's center)
August 31st: Cedar "Arrow" to ride some roller coasters.
September 1st: "Snakes" Island for more coasters.
September 1st: (evening) RUSH - Cincinnati (11th row Dirk's side)

Then, we come home. We can't do the Columbus show, because Bubala has to work every now and then.
The Bald Monkey: Boy, that sounds like a quite a trip. Didn't you two just see Rush and do some parks only a few months ago?
Mumi: Yes, we did. We saw them in Virginia Beach, VA, Bristow, VA, Pittsburgh, PA and Camden, NJ. And, we did some amusement parks in there too.
The Bald Monkey: Isn't one RUSH concert enough?
Mumi: No! No! No! I'm not giving up on the promise of adventure to sit inside and think of something witty to blog about. Or, worse yet make something up to blog about. Bubala and I are spirits with a vision. That's a dream with a mission and from first to last, the peak is never passed. Something always fires that light that gets in our eyes.
The Bald Monkey: Isn't this all a little extreme though? All of theses RUSH shows and roller coasters?
Mumi: Well, you know, when you're young, wandering the face of the earth, wondering what your dreams might be worth, learning that you're only immortal for a limited time, you tend want to roll the bones a little.
The Bald Monkey: I suppose you have heard that Ohio has been having some inclement weather recently?
Mumi: What is round on both sides and soggy in the middle?
The Bald Monkey: Aren't you a little bit scared that they may get some more bad weather while you are there?
Mumi: Yeah. An ill wind could come arising across the cities of the plain. There would be no swimming in the heavy water and no singing in the acid rain. And, we could get caught in a spindrift. Bubala and I will be workin' them angels overtime, but you know we can only grow the way the wind blows.
The Bald Monkey: Okay... Any main monkey business planned for this trip?
Mumi: Well, just Entre Nous, if the circumstances go well and we don't get caught between the wheels of time, we might be able to exercise our free will and get some of that secret touch.
The Bald Monkey: I see. Well, that's far cry from sitting at home making things up for a blog.
Mumi: Well, you know it's the trips and shows that give us hope. They give us strength, so we hold on.
The Bald Monkey: So, that's why you do it?
Mumi: Yes. Celebrate the moment as it turns into one more. The greatest act can be one little victory.
The Bald Monkey: Well, I wish you a safe journey. You and Bubala are certainly driven.
Mumi: You can do a lot in a lifetime if you don't burn out too fast. First you need endurance. First you've got to last.
The Bald Monkey: Can I ask one last question of malignant narcissism?
Mumi: No, he's only allowed to post the G-rated pictures of me on the blog.
The Bald Monkey: That's not the question I was going to ask. I was going to ask you how you really view life?
Mumi: Oh! Sure, that's an easy one. To me, life is just one big series of RUSH concerts.

• September 26, 1980 Capital Centre, Largo, MD (Permanent Waves Tour 80)
  
• May 16, 1981 Capital Centre, Largo, MD
  
• May 17, 1981 Capital Centre, Largo, MD (Moving Pictures Tour 81)
  
• November 29, 1982 Capital Centre, Largo, MD (Signals Tour 82)
  
• September 27, 1984 Capital Centre, Largo, MD (Grace Under Pressure Tour 84)
  
• December 16, 1985 Capital Centre, Largo, MD
  
• April 17, 1986 Civic Center, Baltimore, MD (Power Windows Tour 85-86)
  
• November 30, 1987 Capital Centre, Largo, MD (Hold Your Fire Tour 87)
  
• May 5, 1990 Capital Centre, Largo, MD
  
• June 4, 1990 Baltimore Arena, Baltimore, MD (Presto Tour 90)
  
• December 4, 1991 Capital Centre, Largo, MD
  
• June 16, 1992 Merriweather Post Pavilion, Columbia, MD (Roll The Bones Tour 91-92)
  
• April 26, 1994 USAir Arena, Largo, MD (Counterparts Tour 94)
  
• November 6, 1996 CoreStates Center, Philadelphia, PA
  
• November 7, 1996 USAir Arena, Largo, MD *
  
• June 20 1997 Nissan Pavilion Bristow, VA (Test For Echo Tour 96-97)

(There were no RUSH concerts between 1998 and 2001)

• July 3, 2002 Verizon Wireless Amphitheater Virginia Beach, VA
  
• July 9, 2002 Nissan Pavilion, Bristow, VA
  
• July 14, 2002 Tweeter Center, Camden, NJ
  
• August 6, 2002 Post-Gazette Pavilion Pittsburgh, PA
  
• October 15, 2002 Baltimore Arena, Baltimore, MD
  
• October 27, 2002 First Union Center Philadelphia, PA (Vapor Trails Tour 2002)
  
• May 29, 2004 Verizon Wireless Amitheater Virginia Beach, VA
  
• June 10, 2004 Blossom Music Center Cleveland, OH
  
• August 3, 2004 Nissan Pavilion, Bristow, VA
  
• August 4, 2004 Tweeter Center, Camden, NJ
  
• August 18, 2004 Radio City Music Hall, NYC, NY
  
• August 19, 2004 Radio City Music Hall, NYC, NY (30th Anniversary Tour 2004)
  
• June 22, 2007 Verizon Wireless Amitheater Virginia Beach, VA
  
• June 23, 2007 Nissan Pavilion, Bristow, VA
  
• June 25, 2007 Post-Gazette Pavilion Pittsburgh, PA
  
• July 6, 2007 Tweeter Center, Camden, NJ
  
• August 30, 2007 Blossom Music Center Cleveland, OH
  
• September 1, 2007 Riverbend Music Center Cincinnati, OH
  
• September 17, 2007 Madison Square Garden NYC, NY (Snakes & arrows Tour 2007)

In 1996 RUSH went from having an opening act and then playing for two hours to dropping the opener and playing alone for three hours.

The * represents Bubala's first show and he's been at all the shows after it.

The last three shows are obviously forthcoming.

S.A.D. And So Early

Well, the last few days have really gotten to me. Not only am I nursing a mean virus that I chased from my throat to my nose to my chest, back to my throat and now it seems to have moved to my eyes, but the weather has taken a big shift from brutally hot and muggy to rainy, overcast and almost cold. Add this to the shorter and shorter days that we are having, (I can tell because I bike in the evenings when it's cooler, and it's getting darker sooner) and I can tell it's going to be a bad one.

I decided that I hate all the other seasons except summer, which means my SAD is on full tilt for about nine months out of the year. Given my normal temperament and disposition, which ranges somewhere between an anti-social, "I hate everyone and want to punch them in their faces until their skulls cave in" and what I like to call a "super-sized, suicidal sundae," (It's so tempting, but just think of the calories!) I can only predict that this season's SAD with it's "world at war during an election year" and "fucking teenaged inbreeders popping their retarded children out all around us" might just be the worst ever. In fact, I really don't know how I will make it through another one. I'm not really sure if I even want to.

I've been thinking a lot about a blog entry written by DB about being miserable. It was sparked by an article about men in their late 30's and early 40's and how they are the most miserable people of all. I can understand straight men with families feeling that way. You are pretty much the cash cow for your wife and kids and when they say jump, you'd better. And, if my sexuality is not a choice then I guess his isn't either, so it just sucks to be him. I would be miserable too. I can understand a single gay/straight man between 35 and their early 40's being miserable too. At that age, if you want to be in a relationship, it gets harder and harder to find someone. People become more defensive after past failed attempts at relationships, so they tend to not want to get too close to anyone again.

What I can't understand is why a gay man in my position would be so miserable. (How dare me!) I've got it all in the palm of hands. I'm a nice looking guy with a very handsome husband whom I love dearly. We've been in a very successful relationship for over 11 years. (Just smack me!) I've got a cute little dog who is a constant reminder of how fun life can be. I live in a nice single family home in a relatively safe neighborhood. (Gag me with a pitch fork, then find a use for the other end!) Hell, I've even got a chain link fence. (Because it's more butch than a white picket fence.) Now, how can I possibly be miserable? We make enough money and our jobs allow us some time off, so we are comfortable and can even enjoy life a little. (Alright, now you're getting into dismemberment territory.) And, if the feeling does arise, we are secure enough in our relationship that if a "brief extracurricular encounter" happens' it will not rock the boat or tip the boat over. (That's it dude! That's the last straw! If you can't be happy in that sort of situation, I'm going to chop you up into little bits and feed you to the dogs next door. After all, if you can't be happy, how is everyone else supposed to be? Someone has to set an example for the rest of us to observe and say, "Oh! So that's what happiness looks like. We'll just copy them.")

Only I don't see any inspiring examples, because even Durban Bud says he's miserable too.

In the whole wide world there's no magical place
So you might as well rise, and put on your bravest face..

My Life Has Been Such A Whirlwind Since I Saw You

My recent trip to upstate New York was nice. I started the week off in the Rochester/Buffalo area. I spent my first night there riding a few coasters at a nice little amusement park in Rochester right next to Lake Ontario called Seabreeze. They have an awesome spinning wild mouse coaster called Whirlwind. Their wooden coaster, Jack Rabbit, is nice too. The Jack Rabbit is 87 years old this year. I think that is one of the things that I like so much about riding roller coasters. Some of the rides have so much history. So many people have ridden on those same rails as me. Some of them are still living. Some of them are gone. But, we all shared that two minutes of sheer and utter joy/madness/terror... whatever it is for you. We all have that in common. It's all very special to me.

The next day, I jetted on over to Darien Lake in Darien Center, New York. Darien Lake is a larger park. Very spread out. It is not laid out all that well either. There are a lot of paths that lead to nowhere. Of course, being a man, I absolutely refused to pick up a park map to navigate my way around the park, so I ran into most of the dead ends at some time during the day. Darien Lake had five brand-spanking-new (new to me that is) roller coasters for me to conquer. Fortunately, the crowds were light and the lines were short, so I didn't have to wait very long for any of the rides. So, I rode all of the Darien Lake coasters at least once and then I moved on along to the next park.

Next stop on the Great Upstate Coaster Tour was Martin's Fantasy Island up near Niagra Falls in Grand Island, New York. Fantasy Island is another smaller park with only two roller coasters. One of them is another spinning wild mouse. The other is a nice double out and back wooden coaster called the Silver Comet. The Silver comet is what is called a hybrid coaster. The tracks are wooden, but the support structure is steel. Whatever it is, I liked it. So, I rode it twice.

There was also a Double Shot tower ride at Fantasy Island. I'm a big fan of tower rides, so I went on. As I was ascending the tower, I looked out, and I could see another amusement park off in the distance. It was Marineland over the border in Ontario, Canada. There is only one roller coaster at Marineland, so I hadn't made any plans to visit. Also, I was under the assumption that I would need a passport to cross the border. I would later find out that a passport was not needed to get into Canada.

By this time, it was about 4:30pm. I had ridden seven coasters already today, so I decided that it was time to quit coastering and check out the local sights. I was only six miles away from Niagra Falls and I had never been before, so I hopped in the car and headed North.

Niagra Falls was a blast. I took a ride into the falls on The Maid Of The Mist. While on the boat, I got to talking to a family from Ohio. They informed me that I did not need a passport to get into Canada like I had previously thought. They told me that a driver's license would be all that I needed. What?!? No passport??? Well, hell then. Canada, here I come!

The Canada border patrol police were certainly not the friendliest Canadians that I have ever met. One officer in particular kept asking me what brought me to the New York area.

Of course, my first response was, "An airplane."

He was not amused.

He asked me again. I answered very matter of factly this time that I was in New York to go to a few amusement parks and ride some roller coasters. Obviously, that wasn't the right answer either, because he asked me again, more sternly this time, what brought me to the New York area.

"Um, I've never been here before? I'm here to see the falls and check out Canada, Eh? And all that stuff?"

Wrong again!

Okay, I was completely stumped by now. I was about to call it quits and just give up and go back on home to America when he asked me one time what brought me to the New York area.

"I'm on vacation," I blurted out. "I'm just trying really, really hard to have a nice vacation and I thought that it would be fun to visit Canada while I'm here."

That must have been the right answer, because the unfriendly Canadian border patrol officer tossed my driver's license back in my face and very un-welcomingly invited me to come on in to Canada.

I have to admit that it really wasn't worth all of that hassle and humiliation to get into Niagra Falls, Canada. It was okay. A lot of touristy stuff. Haunted houses, souvenir shops, restaurants. I'm glad I did it once, but I don't feel the need to go back any time soon. To add insult to injury, I had to pay 50¢ to get out of Canada and back into America! That seems like much more of an American thing than a Canadian thing to do... Charge a toll just for people to get out of your country? Jeesh!

Anyway, I headed back across the border and back to the hotel to get some sleep before my big drive to the Albany area for the final leg of this amusement park trip.

The next day, bright and early, I was off to Great Escape Fun Park in Lake George, New York.

Great Escape is another larger park. It was originally called Storytown USA when it opened in the 1950's. There are a lot of fairy tale related props and stuff left over from the old days scattered throughout the park. The place reminded me a lot of the old Enchanted Forest here in Maryland. I had a great time for sure, but five more coasters later, I was really ready to head back to the hotel and get some rest.

All in all, I rode fifteen new coasters at four different parks in three days. Including air travel, I logged over 1,400 miles on this trip. As you can probably imagine, I was more than ready to hop on a plane and get my tired, old, nerdy roller coaster riding ass on home.

Of course, as soon as I opened the front door at home, my mind was already plotting out a new amusement park adventure. Like Mumi keeps saying to me though...

"Augustus... save some room for lay-tuh!"

I really am starting to believe that I have a serious problem here...

(P.S. I'll post some pics later!)

More Monkey Mondays

Still no time to do a legitimate blog entry.
So, I'll just post another pic of my hot boyfriend!


(Yes, his banana really is that big...)

12 Things I Learned While Vacationing In Upstate New York

• Guns & Roses is still just as popular here as they ever were.
• Mohawks are back in fashion. (Or, maybe they never went out of fashion up here?)
• It costs 50¢ to get back into America from Canada.
• Inbreeding is seemingly just as popular here as it is in Glen Burnie.
• There are more Christian radio stations in upstate New York than there are in Georgia, Tennessee and South Carolina combined.
• Nirvana is still just as popular here as they ever were.
• You can't visit DurbanBud.com while using the free wi-fi at Panera Bread. (Restricted due to questionable content.)
• Pearl Jam is still just as popular here as they ever were.
• The guys up here are nowhere near as hot as they are back home.
• Motel rooms make me very horny.
• American border patrol police have an awful sense of humor.
• Canadian border patrol police have no sense of humor.

Learning can be fun!

Leaving On A Jet Plane

In a couple of hours, I'll be on a plane headed to Buffalo. Yep, it's time for another roller coaster trip. This time around, however, it's just me going. Mumi is staying at home... alone...

Someone come on over and keep him company. Okay?


This is what I am leaving behind to go ride some roller coasters?!?
Damn! I must really love those roller coasters!

You Shouldn't Have! Really!

Wow guys! That was really swell of you to throw that awesome party just for me to celebrate my Birthday last night. That was really a super nice thing for you to do.



And, you two. How nice of you to throw a Blowoff party just for me on my Birthday. You guys are awesome too!

I'm truly flattered that you all care about me so much to go to all of that trouble just for little 'ol me!

Seriously though, if you missed either party last night, you missed out on a whole lot of furry, friendly, fantastic F-U-N!

The pre-Blowoff/housewarming party was awesome. The new place looks fabulous guys. Thanks for the invitation to celebrate your new digs. We really did have a swell time. Hanging with the D.C. boys is always a lot of fun!

And, as for Blowoff, all I can say is, "Wow!"



What a hot time that was. This must have been hot guys get in for half price month or something, because the hotties were virtually falling from the rafters! Everywhere I looked, there was another hot, shirtless stud to drool over. The music was thumping, the men were humping. It was an all around super time. A great way to celebrate my twenty-seventeenth Birthday, for sure!

Of course, there was no Saliva Pit this month, so I missed out on that action. I wonder if the lack of a Saliva Pit had anything to do with a certain person's mysterious absence from the night's festivities? Could he in fact be the Saliva Pit boss? Hmmmm....

Oh well, there's always next month.

Who What I Want For My Birthday

I'll be turning 37 years old this Sunday, August 12th. Yeah, yeah. I know what you're thinking. 37? Why, he doesn't even look a day over 35. I know. It's so true!

Anyway, if you see me out and about on the town, here is a list of gift suggestions that shouldn't set you back all that much financially...

• Porn... preferably home-made porn starring you!
• Bare ass spankings.
• Lots of kisses... with tongue.
• A butt massage.
• Nipple licks.
• Bear hugs.
• Penis rubs.
• Armpit tickles.
• A good old fashioned teabagging.
• A hairy man orgy.
• A hand job.
• A hot, hungy mouth...

That's about all I can think of right now. If I come up with anything else, I'll be sure to let you know.

Oh, by the way, according to the real age calculator, I am only going to be 18 years old this Sunday. (Thanks to Sarah for tipping me off to that!)

18 years old? Wow! That means that I am in the sexual prime of my life. I'm a horny teenager again!

Look out world, here I cum come!

I Got Crabs!

No, not from that super hot, sexy, hairy trick in Rehoboth Beach this weekend.

I'm talking about this kind of crabs:



I went crabbing with a friend on his boat on the Wye River yesterday. It was a lot of fun. A lot of work too though. We used crab traps. The kind you drop in the water, let it sit and then come back in a bit and pull up the trap and see if you have captured any little crabbies. We had 30 traps out in the water all in a line.

Since there was no way I was going to try to drive the boat (scenes from On Golden Pond were flashing through my mind), it was my job to pull up the traps. All 30 of them. While the boat was moving along. Over and over and over again. Every time we'd get to the end of the line of traps, we'd go back to the beginning and start it all over again. I got quite a workout, and today I have muscle aches in places where I didn't even know I had muscles.

We ended up catching a little over a half bushel of crabs. Not the best haul ever from the Wye River, but not bad for a few hours work either. I even managed to catch a terrapin in one of the traps one time. That was pretty cool!



We took our haul home and steamed 'em up, poured on the Old Bay seasoning and started cracking. I have to admit that crabs are not my favorite food though. Not because I don't like the taste. They're delicious. I just can't stand all that work. You really have to dig to get the meat out of the darn things. I usually feel like it's a whole lot of effort for not too much reward.

Oh well, it was a fun day nonetheless.

Buddy the dog likes crabs too!


This picture of Mumi has nothing at all to do with the crab story above.
I just think he's hot!

Beach, Please!

We had a great time this weekend with our bestest friends Tim and Donn in Rehoboth Beach. They are the nicest guys that we know. Hanging out with them is always a treat. The weekend was filled with hot sandy beaches, hot weather, hot men and, of course, hot monkey sex!

I also learned some things this weekend. I learned that I am not a bear. Nor am I a bear cub. Apparently, I am an otter. A couple of really hot muscle bears that we were staying with explained it all to me. I must admit that I was very disappointed to find out that I was not a bear. I was almost tempted to start eating six dozen doughnuts a day until I became a bear just so I wouldn't have to be an otter any more. I really didn't want to be an otter. It's just not the animal that I want to be associated with. So, Mumi eventually decided that I would be a monkey from now on, like him. I can deal with that.

On Saturday night, we met up with a guy from Virginia named Jeremy. We had been chatting with him online for a few days last week and, coincidentally, he happened to be staying in Rehoboth on the same weekend that we were. He's 30 years old, very hairy, extremely sexy and a perfect Southern gentleman. We brought him back to the trick room and got to know him a little better. There was a lot of kissing and possibly some nakedness going on, but that's about all that I can divulge about that. There are some pictures out there somewhere too, but I have been sworn to secrecy as to their whereabouts.

Jeremy certainly made our stay in Rehoboth a very memorable one. In fact, Mumi and I both agreed that if we were ever to try out the thruples lifestyle, we would only consider it if Jeremy agreed to be our third. Only catch is that Jeremy is married... to a woman... And, he has two children.

Wow!

That sucks!